Self Awareness The demands and distractions in our daily lives pull us in so many different directions. Sometimes it’s just too much and we often go on autopilot in our struggle to keep up. We run in circles, our focus gets scattered, our thoughts are all over the pace and our minds become cluttered with a tangled mass of thought and feeling. The stresses that accumulate within us have a numbing effect that dulls our sensory awareness and causes us to disconnect from parts of ourselves. All of these things pull us away from our core so we may never really have a chance to get in touch with our selves. We live in a world that is very externally focused. We have a problem, and we’re told to take some medication. Some of us prefer to escape by drinking, smoking or taking other recreational drugs. Or we turn on the television or go to a movie. We’re not taught to look within or understand our feelings. We barely deal with our day to day stresses, much less the major core issues that have shaped our lives. Many people, having no understanding of why they feel and act the way they do, just live from one reaction to the next. Emotional wounds are not visibly apparent like a broken leg, but they still have a tremendous effect upon us. All of us have been wounded in some way at various times in our lives. Some of us experienced feelings of abandonment when a parent left. Or we may have felt a sense of exclusion or rejection when we were not included in a clique or were the last to be chosen for the team. Some of us have suffered as a result of physical or sexual trauma, which can make it difficult for us to trust others or their intentions. We were helpless as children and that left us in a vulnerable position where were completely dependant upon our parents. We didn’t have the capacity to cope or even understand what was happening. We had to bury our feelings in order to survive, but in doing so we numb out and shut down parts of ourselves. Many of the things that hurt us that are never fully processed and we internalize much of the pain and conflict, which then drops out of our conscious awareness. These wounded parts of ourselves begin to operate from our subconscious mind where they take on a life of their own. Whole separate processes of thought and feelings operate outside of our conscious awareness. These parts of us continue to live the reality of the past hurts and traumas. Our identity begins to form around these deep core conflicts which then shape our personality. They eventually become part of our identity. Our life then takes on various themes. These core conflicts create a self-perpetuating script that keeps us locked into set patterns of behavior and reaction. These core conflicts create distortions within our consciousness. The filters created by these conflicts distort our perceptions, by interpreting and defining our reality. These filters, to a large extent, determine how we think, feel, respond or react to people, their actions and the events that occur in our lives. That prevents us from experiencing life as it truly is in the moment. Actions and events that signify or resembles past hurts often evoke a cascade of painful thought, feeling and imagery. Our filters cause us to project the pain of the past onto the present. We read into situations, jump to conclusions, which leads us to make assumptions based upon our expectations. Subsequent stresses cause the pressure to build within us. That may cause us to feel anxious or depressed. Or we may be flooded with powerful feelings such as rage, pain or hurt. These powerful emotions take over us at times and we find ourselves reacting in ways that are inappropriate to our current situation. We tend to attract similar people and situations to reenact the same kinds of hurts and abuses that we experienced in earlier parts of our lives. People who experienced abuse or neglect as a child are continually drawn over and over again to the same kinds of emotionally unavailable or abusive partners. We vividly replay these realities over and over again in our mind as we envision negative scenarios of the things that we fear or that have hurt us. We inadvertently broadcast these signals telepathically. Others then pick up on the signal and treat us accordingly. Repeated use of the same neuropathways reinforces the dynamic. These patterns become very deeply entrenched and that’s why many of us find it so difficult to change. Parents who are too self-absorbed or caught up in their own problems may not attend to many of their children’s basic needs. Children of these parents may grow up with huge emotional deficits. They feel as if no one can really see or understand them and that they will never really get their needs met. That can leave them feeling sad and hopeless, but underneath all that they may experience feelings of anger and frustration. Sometimes they become overly invested in others and try to make them understand our needs. But no matter how much others give to them, it feels as though it’s never enough. Many of these individuals attempt to compensate for these deficits by caring for others. For them, the act of caring becomes an attempt to get the love, understanding and support that they never got from their parents. Abused children commonly fail to realize that the problem is with the parent. They tend to blame themselves for the abuse. They often feel a sense of inadequacy that leaves them feeling deeply flawed and unlovable. They often say things like "…others won’t like me if they really get to know me. Children typically internalize the harsh and critical voices of their parents who say things like "…you’re stupid and will never amount to anything. We continue to hear these tapes in our head any time we try to accomplish anything. People who are perfectionist are often driven by unrealistically high standards. Their parents probably held similarly unrealistic expectations of them. It may have felt as if they could never please their parents and that nothing they ever did was good enough. The internalized sense of inadequacy often drives these individuals through life. They feel they have to constantly strive to do better and some continue to drive themselves to the point of burnout. I spend a lot of time in various parts of South Asia and I see how some overly controlling parents totally subjugate their children. These parents are even more controlling of their daughters. Many individuals are not really taught to think for themselves or to consider their own needs. Many do not express their feelings, needs or assert themselves out of fear of their family’s reaction. It can take a lot of effort to draw them out. But I’m often helping my friends to get in touch with their feelings and to learn to assert themselves. I experienced horrible feelings of abandonment and rejection for long periods in my own life. I spent a number of years living among the American Indian Tribes and training with a traditional doctor. Many people within our mainstream culture could not comprehend the experiences I had or understand where I was coming from. I just wasn’t on the same wavelength and it just wasn’t a good match. They could see it, but I didn’t know that there was anything else available. I was also blind to the fact that some of the women I was attracted to were also very damaged and incapable of intimacy. The situation just reinforced my feelings of abandonment and feelings of being unlovable. It felt like death and I tried so hard to avoid the pain by doing everything possible to make things work. That only made things worse. It was especially difficult when things were not working. My ingrained impulse was to reach out and try to make things work. I finally learned to stop fighting and let myself experience the full intensity of the feelings. It took a tremendous effort to stop myself and really be with the feelings. I had to force myself to be present with the realities I didn’t want to face and breathe into all the feelings that were coming up. The feelings were excruciating, but they softened as I continued to breathe into them. That deepened my connection to source and that allowed me to feel more content being on my own. I didn’t need to have someone to fill the void. This was the only way I could heal. Going through the pain created an opening that allowed me to become more objective so I could see the other person for who they were and understand what was really happening. I finally realized there was nothing wrong with me. So much has changed as a result of this work and this part of my life is working much better now. Many of us have been thwarted in our attempts to meet our basic needs and desires and that can leave us feeling helpless to change. We tend to overcompensate by doing everything we can to control the situation, thinking that we will some how avoid the painful realities we fear and get our needs met. We often try to cling or hold on to make someone love us if we feel abandoned. Or we try to show others what we need if we feel deprived. These actions may have helped us to cope at some earlier point in our lives. But we run into problems when we continue to enact these behaviors long after they have outlived their usefulness. Our habituated coping mechanisms provide a distraction that prevents us from directly facing the painful feelings or realities. Resisting pain causes us to freeze up around the things that hurt us and we miss out on the valuable insights that are necessary for our continued growth. What ever we resist will persist, and that’s why the things we do to avoid the pain keeps us from ever getting our needs met. Resisting our feelings and realities keeps the pain trapped inside of us so that we never really resolve the issues. That keeps us stuck in the same cycle. People are often uncomfortable with their feelings and tend to have a very limited understanding of their emotions. They keep their emotions bottled up because of fear that they will lose control if they allow the emotions to surface. There is considerable force contained within the emotions that we have pushed down inside of us and that causes us to overreact at times. Feelings can be awkward and we may initially find it difficult to manage our responses. Breathing into the pain eventually led me to develop a series of meditation practices to heal the body and mind. There are many different versions of mindfulness meditation. Many teachers encourage their students to observe their thoughts and emotions from a state of detachment. The practices I teach are similar in many ways. The primary difference is that I encourage people to fully experience the feelings and emotions as they breathe softly and deeply. The practice of immersing your awareness within the feelings as you breathe softly and deeply activates a healing intelligence within the body-mind. Painful and traumatic emotions are often encapsulated within our mind. Breathing into the emotions helps to dissolve the fissures that have kept painful memories and emotions compartmentalized in our body and mind. This allows us to bridge the gap between our conscious awareness and our subconscious mind that contains the painful or traumatic emotions. Hurtful thoughts, feelings and memories begin to digest. This allows us to heal and integrate the wounded parts of our selves. Feelings serve as a door way. They are a reflection of our inner self, and they put us in touch with the underlying driving forces that govern our thoughts and actions. The breathing practices will help us to access our feelings. Most people find it easier to access their feeling while sitting. Stepping back from a situation can help us to gain perspective. But it’s also important for us find a way to apply these practices as we move through our daily lives. We tend react to events or circumstances that trigger the painfully conflicted feelings associated with our core issues. Feelings often surface for a brief instant. That’s why it is so important for us to learn to be work with feelings as they arise in the moment. Otherwise we miss out on so many valuable opportunities to get in touch with and understand the driving forces that operate within us. We’re always going to react to stress, but what’s important is how we deal with the situations and issues that arise. The way we react to the stressful events that take place in our lives serves as a reflection where we are within ourselves. With practice, we can learn to catch ourselves in the midst of a reaction. We can then direct our attention to the underlying feelings. Working with this practice helps us to become more present and develop a greater awareness of the forces that operate within. Stop and pay attention to what’s happening when you find yourself reacting and ask yourself "What’s the deepest feeing behind all of this?" Notice where these feelings are located within your body. Allow yourself to experience the feelings as you continue to breathe softly and deeply. Follow the progression of feeling, thought and memory as it leads you further into the source of the conflict. You will become less reactive as you learn to diffuse and ground jpowereful emotions by working with the breathing practice. You will also find that your responses become more appropriate to your current circumstances. It takes a concerted effort to pay attention, but with continued practice our self awareness increases. Breathing into feelings helps us to recognize the patterns that we have enacted throughout our lives. We gain insight into ourselves as we come to understand the reasons we react the way we do. This gives us an opportunity to work constructively with the processes that for most of our lives had operated outside of our conscious awareness. We’re not trying to get rid of the feelings. The intention here is to fully immerse our awareness in the feelings as we continue to breathe very softly and deeply. Be with the feelings as they arise and allow them to follow their natural progression. It’s important that we come from a place of acceptance and learn to allow the feelings without trying to change them. Breathing into the feelings facilitates an organic body-mind healing processes. For instance, you may find yourself confronted with a situation that evokes feelings of anger. You start to breathe into the anger. The feelings of anger may then change to sadness. Thoughts and memories may then surface as you continue to breathe into the feelings and you find yourself remembering events from the past where you experience similar feelings. You gradually come to a greater understanding of your feelings, needs and the reasons behind your reaction. Rigidified patterns soften and the layers and layers of emotional baggage are digested as we breathe into the feelings. This practice helps to dissipate the underlying force behind our core issues. Our dramas and mental-emotional habits become more transparent so they have less influence upon us. We become more authentic as our core self emerges. We grow and develop a flexibility allows us to adapt more readily to the challenges we face in our lives. Our capacity for intimacy deepens which enhances the quality of our relationships. I teach these practices to everyone I work with. People often tell me about how they can feel parts of their mind opening up. Their intuition becomes stronger, and many report experiencing a clearer sense of purpose and direction. I’ve been going through the vision quest for some time now and I find my defense mechanisms dissolving during the four days and nights that I fast without food or water on the mountain. That leaves me feeling really on edge at times. I have often experienced this ravenous hunger in the initial weeks after I come off the mountain. I found myself going to all you can eat buffets and totally stuffing myself. I did that a few times till I realized that stuffing myself was a way of shutting the feelings down. I began to understand that this is what it initially feels like to have the numbed and deadened parts of myself come back to life and merge into conscious awareness. Feelings are usually the most accessible when I’m on the mountain and shortly afterwards. I have to remind myself to stay present and make the most of the opportunity the most powerful changes. Most of us experience social or performance anxieties at some point in our lives. Our underlying sense of inadequacy may cause us to feel like we need to impress others. We may lack confidence in ourselves and so we feel under qualified. The fear of failure may leave us feeling that we can not succeed. Many of us fight against these feelings by trying to push them away. But all the fears and feelings of shame that we hold within sabotage us by causing us to continue to do things to screw up. I work with groups at times and I often feel anxious at the beginning of the talk. But I find that breathing practice helps me to process the underlying fears and insecurities so I can feel more comfortable in the group setting, open up and flow with the process. Over time I have learned to breathe into the feelings in the midst of what ever I’m doing. That helps me to access the underlying judgments or critical voices. Those voices begin to lose their power as the feelings dissipate, and then I feel a greater self acceptance. I find this process very freeing. It makes it easier for me to access my internal resources and helps me to go ahead and do what ever I need to do. Some of us contain huge reservoirs of pain, sadness and disappointment that have accumulated over many years. Many of the same painful feelings resurface over and over again. You may also find that you continue to attract more of the same kinds of hurtful experiences. It takes time to chew up and digest these volumes of backlogged thought, emotion and experience. That can take months or even years. Continue to work with the practice every day. The pain and confusion will gradually abate. You will find that some feelings and issues are easily processed. Other patterns are deeply ingrained in our brain-mind. Breathing practices alone are not sufficient to undo them. These painful and defeating patterns need to be reconfigured and new workable models that facilitate growth need to be constructed in their place. I was able to facilitate these changes within myself by going through the vision quests. Many of those I work with experience these same kinds of changes as a result of the healing sessions. ©Copyright 2007 Ben Oofana. All Rights Reserved. This content may be copied in full, with copyright, contact, creation and information intact, without specific permission, when used only in a not-for-profit format.
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