My friend Thomas has been living in different parts of Asia over the past few years. He called me to let me know he was back in New York for a few months and wanted to get together. We arranged to meet for dinner on a Saturday evening. That night he began to tell me about his new girlfriend and some of the issues that were coming out in the relationship. At one point he mentioned that he couldn’t really trust women. I asked him what caused him to feel that way. My friend then told me about how his mother drank, ran around on his father and was very unreliable. Later that evening Thomas began to tell me about an affair he had with another woman while he was spending time in India and how doing so deeply hurt his girlfriend.

Thomas said he was interested in doing some work with me, so we scheduled a session for the following weekend. I began the session by instructing Thomas to notice how he felt in his body as he imagined his mom being present in the room with us. Thomas then said he felt his body becoming tense, and that he experienced a cold empty feeling in the middle of his chest.

Thomas said he found it difficult to stay focused on the feelings, and that his mind kept wandering. I responded by telling him that it was normal for our minds to wander, but to refocus his mind on the feelings when ever he caught himself drifting off in thought.

Thomas then asked me why do we need to drag up the past, saying it’s done, why not just be focused here in the present with what’s happening now? I responded by saying "…because the past is still effecting your present day relationships. You weren’t able to bond with your mother. And you never really internalized a healthy model of intimate bonding, so you don’t really have a point of developing many of the healthy normal feelings of attachment. That makes it difficult for you to form intimate bonds in your present day relationships."

At one point my friend said he couldn’t really understand why both his girlfriend and the other woman were feeling so hurt. Thomas said he would rather not be involved with either of them if it was only going to cause pain. Thomas then gave several analogies. In one he said it was like walking a dog. You have a dog at the end of the leash, but it doesn’t really matter which dog it is, you’re just walking a dog. The inability to experience intimacy takes on different forms. But like his mother, Thomas lacks the capacity to understand when his actions are harming another.

I described to Thomas how breathing into the feelings will bring awareness back to the parts of your heart that are cold and empty. The healing intelligence inherent within your body-mind can then begin to facilitate healing in these parts of yourself.

Many of us grew up with parents who were incapable of empathizing with our feelings or expressing love. We often model our parent’s behaviors and disconnect from our own feelings and emotions. Their lack of love and empathy or their actions may have really hurt us. We had no way to resolve the hurts and issues so we internalize much of the pain.

Parts of us continue to stay frozen as long as these feelings remain buried within. That keeps us stuck in the same pattern, and we may never develop the capacity to love or bond with another person. And because of that we will never possess the empathy that will allow us to understand the impact of our actions upon other people.

We normally experience pain when if we cut ourselves or touch a hot object such as the burner on a stove. The pain is a signal to let us know that we need to remove our hand quickly before we experience even more serious damage. Similarly, it is through our feelings that we experience the empathy that allows us to gain an understanding of the effects of our behaviors upon others. It is through feeling that we develop the capacity to care for and nurture others. Disconnecting from feelings decreases our self-awareness, causing us to lose touch with ourselves, our surrounding and the underlying forces within that motivate our own behaviors.

It takes a real concerted effort to open and develop the range of our feeling awareness.

To the best of your ability, pay attention to any feelings that emerge as you go through your day. Breathe softly and deeply as you focus your attention in the middle the feelings you are able to access. This is a process that you can do throughout your life. Your feelings will become more accessible over time as you continue to bring your attention to them. Learning to access your feeling awareness is in many ways like opening a whole additional range of your sensory awareness. You will open in ways that make it possible for you to let much more love in. And you will have much more love to give in return.