Part of Me Really Doesn’t Want to Be Here

Beth approached me at the end of a workshop that I gave and expressed interest in my work. We spoke for a while and then scheduled a session for the following week. Beth began to open up to me during that first session. She told me about her father’s sexually inappropriate behavior. Beth also told me about a number of other incidents in which she was sexually assaulted.

I noticed as I looked into Beth’s aura is that she was very disconnected from her body. That’s fairly common with people who have gone through traumatic experiences. It causes me a great deal of concern to see people who have been traumatized who are not in their bodies. Many of these individuals are very fragile and they tend to have a very tenuous grasp on reality. Many of them have never really developed the supportive structures within their bodies and minds that are necessary to contain their emotions or to cope with the realities of this physical world. They often find themselves becoming overwhelmed with their own emotional responses to the circumstances they find themselves in.

Beth came in one day after we had been working together for a few months and told me she felt that part of her did not want to live. She went on to describe the kinds of suicidal thoughts and images that would often surface. And then she said some other things that indicated that she felt something was wrong with her for feeling this way.

I explained to Beth that suicidal thoughts and images are a fairly common occurrence, especially for those of us who have been subjected to traumatic experiences. We usually don’t discuss these things openly. But many of us will feel at some point in our lives that we don’t want to be here.

Most of us we’re not taught how to deal with our feelings or emotions or to address the issues affecting us. We really don’t know how to heal ourselves. Painful or traumatic events can be very difficult to digest. And many of our feelings and experience are never processed. Feelings and experiences that are not digested tend to accumulate within our body and mind. A numbing or desensitizing takes place within us that blocks these feelings from our conscious awareness.

Most of us learned to shut down or disconnect from the painful feelings and realities of our lives. What happens here is that we begin to disconnect from parts of ourselves. Other parts of our consciousness are then forced to carry the painful feelings and impressions that we block out of our conscious awareness. These wounded parts of us operate outside of our conscious awareness. They can be described as sub-personalities with a separate consciousness of their own. These parts of our consciousness formulate their own thoughts, feelings and they have their own way interpreting our life’s experiences.

Many of us have gone through some really horrible things in our lives. We may have been subjected to emotional, physical or sexual trauma. We may have suffered through the loss of loved ones or gone through any number of other events that have really hurt us.

Many of us have never grieved or allowed ourselves to really feel our true feelings. We blocked so much of it out of our conscious awareness. But the feelings never went away… They are still trapped down within our body and mind. And parts of us are still stuck with the painful feelings and impressions that we experienced at the times that those horrible things occurred.

What makes it even worse is that so many of us resist our feelings. Resisting our feelings and issues only causes them to become even more powerful. And some of us accumulate huge reservoirs of unprocessed emotion. The parts of us that are forced to carry this pain really suffer. They hurt like hell. They make us want to smoke, consume alcohol and other drugs and do all kinds of other things to deaden our consciousness. Or they may be in so much pain that they cause us to feel like we want to kill ourselves.

We construct elaborate defense mechanisms to hold painful feelings and issues outside of our conscious awareness. But a personal crisis such as the breakup of a relationship or the loss of a job can cause our protective bubble to burst. That may precipitate the reemergence of old unresolved issues and painful feelings. All those painful feelings and memories can then flood our awareness. We may find ourselves feeling overwhelmed by the volume and intensity of our feelings. That can initiate a downward spiral where we begin to hate ourselves, our lives and we start looking for a way out.

We need to understand that the way we feel is a normal response to what we have gone through in our lives. There’s probably a good reason for us to feel the way we do. We need to stop blaming or beating ourselves up over it. Healing begins when we learn to accept ourselves. We need to understand that these kinds of feelings will surface and that it’s a normal part of the healing process.

The digestive process that I’m describing is the most powerfully transformative and authentic spiritual process that we can ever go through. This is where we strip down the pretense and get to the true essence of who we are.

What’s really amazing though is how things begin to open up inside of us. We begin to feel the presence of the higher power moving through us. Our emotional wounds begin to heal. We develop a very strong inner core in the process and we begin to experience true love and acceptance for ourselves.

Beth told me that she had been very shut down for much of her life. She had self medicated with alcohol for many years. Beth eventually stopped drinking around the time that she began to work with a psychotherapist. Beth also saw a psychiatrist who gave her a proscription for Prozac. Beth told me that she had been taking Prozac for seventeen years. She said that the Prozac had saved her life. Beth was making the best of the resources that were available to her at the time.

I’ve known and worked with many people who were on Prozac and other antidepressants. What I see happening in the physical and subtle bodies of these individuals causes me a great deal of concern. These drugs nullify some of the bandwidths of consciousness that make it possible for us to feel. Part of the individual’s consciousness registers what is happening. There is an emotional response to what’s taking place, but the circuit is somehow interrupted. The person’s feelings do not fully register within their conscious awareness. These medications impede one’s ability to really digest their feeling or emotional responses.

I personally know of two people who were on Prozac who ended up committing suicide. Prozac was not resolving the issues or healing the hurt. I could see the accumulation of pain within both of these individuals. The medication seemed to work for a while by neutralizing the pain, but the medication eventually lost its effectiveness.

There may be instances where the medications help us to get through a very difficult time. I just feel that it’s crucial for us to learn to work constructively to process our feelings and emotions and to resolve our issues on a day to day basis, so that we will develop the capacity to cope with what’s happening in times of crisis.

Beth told me that she often tried to disconnect from the parts of herself that didn’t want to live. She went on to tell me about a friend that she knew years ago who hung herself. Beth said that she would often see her friend’s face transposed upon the faces of other people that she encountered and that she found that to be very disturbing.

This is a good example of what happens when we try to resist the forces that are operating within us. There’s a quote that says "…To deny a truth is to give it strength beyond all endurance." We often try to resist the parts of us that are hurting, but that causes them to grow even more powerful and then they force their way back up into our awareness.

People often tell me that they want to somehow get rid of these parts of the self that are holding so much pain. Imagine what would happen if you were to cut off your arm or leg. We cannot cut off from or disconnect from parts of our conscious without causing ourselves tremendous harm. These wounded parts of us need to go through a process of transformation so they can reintegrate and function in a healthy manner. We can help to facilitate this process of transformation by facing our issues and breathing into the feelings and emotions as they arise.

This practice will help us to gradually neutralize the accumulated mass of painful feelings and emotions. Digesting our feelings makes us stronger. It also makes it possible us to access new resources and capabilities. The issues and emotions become more manageable and we start to get a better handle on life.

Everyday people gorge themselves, smoke, drink alcohol or use other kinds of drugs and create all kinds of messy dramas and distractions. And some will go as far as to create life threatening diseases to escape their pain.

Most of us are doing the best we can with what we know how to do. But so many of us lack the courage to feel the feelings or face the issues. There’s a tremendous lack of understanding when it comes to healing. Many of our approaches to healing are actually attempts to resist the pain. People try to pray their way out of suffering, do affirmations or listen to motivational tapes. Others try to transcend the pain by meditating it away. And all that does is cause them to disconnect from their pain and become even more ungrounded. You can’t heal it if you can’t feel it. There is no substitute for feeling the feelings.

Many of us have become so fearful …of life and even of ourselves. One of our most popular mantras these days is "I don’t want to go there". We sometimes run when the feelings and issues come to the surface. That’s very unfortunate because fear and avoidance only weakens us. It causes us to disconnect from parts of ourselves and the higher power and then our resources and capabilities begin to erode. That’s why it’s absolutely critical for us to embrace life by fully experiencing our feelings and facing everything that come up.

I’ve heard this from so many people over the years. This happens because we are not taught to work constructively with our feelings and emotions. Painful feelings and issues accumulate within us and we then feel completely overwhelmed when our defenses crumble and it all comes flooding to the surface.

I went through some very difficult periods in my own life when felt totally consumed by the pain. The feelings and emotions that surfaced were so excruciating. I felt like death much of the time, and all kinds of graphic images kept playing themselves out in my mind. And there were times when I wondered if I was going over the edge. I felt very fearful at times and I didn’t know if I would ever come through it. Something inside compelled me to go with the process that was unfolding. I would sometimes lay there on my side and breathe into all the feelings that surfaced. It wasn’t a pleasant experience but I had this instinctive sense that this was something I really needed to go through. I continued to breathe into everything that came up until I eventually came out the other side.

Painful feelings, emotions and life experiences do not digest easily and they can be very hard on our bodies. I would often go out to walk for miles. Walking in natural settings helped to keep me grounded. I could feel all the feelings and energies circulating as my aura began to expand. The Earth’s own aura would also help to purify the heavy feelings and energies. That alleviated much of the stress on my physical body and made all those feelings and emotions easier to digest.

We need to keep our bodies in motion to prevent the feelings, emotions and energies from getting stuck in our bodies. Physical activities such as yoga, tai chi or other athletic activities help to bring more life force into our bodies and to keep or feelings and energies circulating.

The breathing practice that I’m describing is very powerful. But many of the same kinds of feelings and issues continued to surface. Many of these issues were so deeply wired into my body and mind. I also needed some kind of outside intervention.

I lived in Kansas City, Missouri for a few years and later moved to Albuquerque, New Mexico. There were a few powerful healers that strayed through town every now and then and I would line up for a session whenever the opportunity presented itself. Every session I did definitely took me another step forward. But getting a healing session once every six months to a year was just not sufficient. I needed much more consistent work to help me to access and digest the backlog of emotional pain and reformat the dysfunctional models that were so deeply wired into my body and mind that continued to generate more of the same kinds of painful feelings.

My healing process really accelerated when I started going back to the mountains in Oklahoma to do the vision quest. All of my defense mechanisms begin to dissolve during the four days and nights that I’m up on the mountain without food or water and that makes it possible for me to access parts of myself that were normally blocked out of my conscious awareness. I remember very clearly experiencing the parts of me that felt that they didn’t want to live. I would breathe into all the feelings and impressions that surface. And then I could feel the beings or forces on the mountain working to transform the wounded parts of myself.

This process has taken a long time and it has not been easy, but the payoff is well worth what I have gone through. I’ve developed a much stronger foundation and making it a lot easier to remain centered in the midst of what’s happening. There are still times that I feel sad, angry, frustrated, hurt or whatever and that’s just a normal response to stress and part of being human. These feelings are much easier to process and I bounce back more quickly.

The wounded parts of my own psyche use to totally engulf me at earlier times in my life. That created a powerful set of filters that seemed to made everything in my life appear to be very ominous and then I would find myself totally consumed with all kinds of horrible feelings.

Some of the old feelings of not wanting to be here surface on occasion, but they no longer have the same kind of power or intensity that they had in the past, and they usually pass very quickly. I feel much more rooted, present and connected to source. I can allow the feelings to come up, breathe into them and still feel connected to my center. The dramas and feelings have a very transparent quality about them. I can experience whatever comes up and yet I can also see through it. What’s really nice is that the suffering and the need to escape has been replaced with a stronger desire to really open up and engage in life. My sensory perceptions have become more vivid, pleasurable feelings and sensations are more the norm and I experience more enjoyment in life.

I see that Beth is developing a stronger foundation and the painful emotions of the past healing. Beth was telling me that the suicidal feelings and impressions have not occurred in some time. I wouldn’t say that they will never surface again, but I do expect that will decrease in frequency and gradually be replaced by a stronger desire to open up and truly live.

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