Attracting Love into Your Life

Sema was introduced to me by a mutual friend. We were out one evening at a restaurant and she began to open up and tell me about what was happening in her love life. The man she had fallen for had not called her in some time. Sema told me that she felt this man would come back to her somewhere down the road. Yet she also acknowledged that on another level she was experiencing a fear of loss and that she didn’t feel that there was much hope. Sema told me later that evening that she could never seem to hold onto the men that she truly wanted to be with.

I talked with Sema for some time that evening. She was obviously strung out on the guy, but she was very disconnected from the underlying pain that was driving her. Sema’s head was just spinning in circles as she analyzed everything he said or did and why he wasn’t with her at that time. I could see that the hurt buried within her was keeping her attached to the guy in a very unhealthy way. Sema was actually digging herself deeper into a painful space. Being stuck in her head was only perpetuating the painful drama. I kept bringing her awareness back to the feelings behind all the thoughts. I then encouraged her to breathe while centering her awareness in the middle of all those feelings.

Fully feel your current reality for what it truly is. Start by acknowledging what’s happening in your life right now. Are you with someone who is truly present with you and that loves you deeply? Or is there tension and conflict in your relationship? Do you have someone there to hold you and share your life with or are you alone? Have you been rejected by someone that you desire or have you been dumped by someone that you love? How does it feel? Where are the feelings the strongest in your body? Breathe softly and deeply as you immerse your awareness within the feelings. Breathe into everything you feel in response to what’s happening. The feelings can be really painful at times but you will eventually come out the other side as you continue to breathe into them.

We often look for ways to escape from or shut down the pain when love is not reciprocated or we go through a break up. That’s the worst thing we can do because we end up internalizing the experiences of rejection, abandonment, betrayal and loss. All that pain gets trapped on the inside of us and then we never really learn or grow from our experience. Unprocessed feelings and emotions creates a heavy congestive residue that saturates our physical and subtle bodies. That heavy yucky energy is not attractive and it doesn’t feel good. And that can prevent us from attracting what we truly want which is a close loving relationship.

Relationships provide us with one of the most amazing opportunities to grow. Having a partner to work with who is committed to the relationship is one of the most wonderful gifts we can ever enjoy in our lives. We need to assume that our issues are going to come up and make every effort to remain present to our feelings and address the issues as they arise. This will enable us to grow as individuals and as a couple. And it’s the only way that true love can ever evolve.

Internal conflicts and the charged emotions that drive them can make people extremely incongruent. So many people don’t know what they want and that’s why they give us so many mixed messages. Our partner may love us and really want to open up and to be with us, but they have so much pain, conflict and confusion stuffed down on the inside. Many are living from one drama to the next because they have no comprehension of what’s going on. Others are aware to some extent, but they are still very resistant to experiencing their feelings or facing the issues. But nothing will change until they find a way to open up and process all the frozen feelings and emotions that are holding everything in place.

Many people are just not that honest with themselves or with anyone else for that matter. They tend to abandon ship and discard the relationship as soon as the real issues begin to surface. They fail to understand that these same issues will surface again and again in subsequent relationships. They often become bitter and cynical and then blame the other person or the other gender for their problems. They continue to accumulate more and more baggage to drag along with them to the next relationship.

Many of us will have to do the best we can on our own ...at least for now. We really need to be present to the best of our ability by feeling all the feelings and addressing the issues that arise in our relationships. Feelings of pain, fear, loss and confusion need to be digested. We can facilitate this process by breathing into the feelings anytime they surface.

It can help to picture your former partners and then notice how you feel. It’s normal for us to experience a whole range of feelings from love and affection to hurt and sadness. Breathe into any feelings, emotions or physical sensations that you become aware of. Feelings and memories pertaining to this and other past relationships may begin to surface. Some of these feelings and memories may even pertain to experiences that you went through as a child. You will begin to digest the many layers of old emotion. Issues will begin to sort themselves out. This will free you up in ways that allow you to be more present and experience deeper levels of intimacy with the people who really matter to you now.

It’s important for us to catch ourselves when we start to drift off into fantasy land and pull ourselves back to what’s happening right now in our present moment reality. We do that by breathing softly and deeply as we focus our attention on being here in our body with our feelings and sensations in this present moment. Allow yourself to really experience the feelings and sensations in your body. I also find that it helps to place your hands over your heart, solar plexus or abdomen to help you reconnect to your body.

Our whole life can begin to revolve around another person and we essentially lose ourselves when that happens. The person that we want to be with will move in our direction if they are truly interested in us. We need to get a life of our own and be the center of our own universe. That means being fully committed to ourselves by staying focused on what we need to be doing.

It’s okay to feel a strong attraction, but some of us need to make a real conscientious effort to pull our essence back into our own body. Staying rooted in your own body may take a lot of practice. Start by noticing what happens when you find yourself around someone who you feel very attracted to. How connected do you feel to your body? Do you feel yourself firmly rooted in your physical body or does it feel as if you are somehow projected out towards the person you desire to be with? Breathe softly and deeply as you use your intention to pull your essence back into your body.

Another way to ground yourself is to breathe with your awareness centered in the dan tien which is located about two inches below the navel in the lower part of your abdomen. Keep part of your awareness focused within your dan tien whenever you see or interact with someone that you find attractive.

You also want to be paying attention to the feelings and physical sensations that you experience in your body. Breathe into any feelings that you may be experiencing such as awkwardness, fear, anxiety, shyness, intimidation, excitement, arousal or desire. Allow yourself to be permeable so that the feelings can just flow through you. The intensity of the feelings will diminish as you continue to breathe into them.

Most of us overstep our boundaries at one time or another. We just need to pay attention as we interact with others and catch ourselves if we start to lose touch with our own center. Focus on pulling your energy back to your own body. Breathe into the need to control the other person or situation. Breathe into the feeling of holding on to the other person and then feel your emotional-energetic grip relaxing. Feel yourself letting go to the extent that you can just allow things to happen however they want to.

Staying centered in your own body will help to keep you grounded as you interact with others. You will find yourself becoming more and more comfortable in your interactions with people as you continue to work with this practice. Being rooted in your own body also helps you to develop the kind of presence that other people find more attractive.

Many of us fight against being alone because it feels so horrible, but the things that we resist tend to persist. Fighting against the aloneness that we experience can cause us to disconnect from our feelings. The feelings then get shoved down inside of us. And then these disconnected feelings tend to attract more of the same.

We sometimes need to learn to be alone before we can really be with another person. It’s important for to us to stop fighting or resisting our experience. The first step here is to allow yourself to fully experience your feelings of aloneness. Feel all the feelings and bodily sensations of not having someone there with you to hold you and share your life with. Feel the unmet needs, the hunger and even the sense of desperation. Breathe into the feelings allowing them to be as they are.

I went through long periods in my life where I had no one. The best way I’ve found to cope with it was to just breathe into the aloneness. There have been times in my life when I didn’t feel like I was connecting with anyone romantically. I remember one occasion where I kept breathing into the feelings of emptiness and of being alone night after night for a whole month. The feelings seemed unbearably intense in the beginning, but they dissipated over time. I began to feel a comforting presence emerging from within me. I got to a place where I was able to stop trying to reach out to make things happen. I could then let go of what was not working.

Many of us have been emotionally or physically abused. Or we may have experienced feelings of abandonment if a parent left. We often take on the emotions and negative attitudes that a parent held towards us and then assumed that we were somehow responsible for any mistreatment that we were subject us to. Hurtful or abusive experiences may have left us feeling that that we are inherently bad or defective and therefore are not worthy or deserving of love. Adolescents can also be very sensitive and are easily hurt if they are made to feel rejected or that they are unattractive. We may be left feeling that we are unlovable and that no one could ever love us or want to be with us.

We were often forced to shut down emotionally to protect ourselves. We may have never processed the emotions or resolved the issues. Beliefs such as "no one could ever love me" "anyone I love or get close to will eventually leave me" or "I deserve to be punished" get buried under the many layers of emotion. Our beliefs and the emotions attached to them begin to operate outside of our normal awareness as a whole separate consciousness within our body and mind. They have tremendous power to determine who we become, how we respond or react to others and what we attract into our lives. They also cause us to emit a vibe that determines how others respond to us.

All of us are emitting a whole range or spectrum of energies and emotions. We emanate positive vibes that let other know to treat us with love, appreciation, and kindness. We put out other vibes that allow others to sense if we are confident, kind or trustworthy. We may also emit signals that tell others to abandon, take advantage of or otherwise abuse us or that we are unworthy of love. Other people are not necessarily conscious of the vibes that we putting out, but they do pick up on the signals that we emanate and then respond to us accordingly.

Experiences such as abandonment and rejection can elicit very painful emotional responses. Most of us never fully process these emotions. These feelings and impressions often become very deeply ingrained into our makeup. That’s why many of us attract the same kinds of people and situations and experience the same painful emotions over and over again. One of the most powerful things we can do to heal is breathe into everything that we feel in response to what’s happening in our lives.

Many of us carry a tremendous amount of hurt on the inside. We continually abandon, reject and even hate parts of ourselves. Yet we expect someone else to come along and love us and to make it all better. But it’s just not going to work like that. All that pain and conflict that we have internalized will cause us to attach to others in unhealthy ways. You cannot possibly have a healthy relationship with anyone else until you develop a good relationship with yourself. We have to truly love ourselves before anyone else can. That means staying present in your body and experiencing all your feelings from a place of loving acceptance.

Flakiness has become so much the norm these days. The words coming out of people’s mouths have can have so little, if any, meaning. We meet someone and there seems to be a mutual interest. They say they will call or email and then we never hear from them. We plan to meet at some point and they don’t show up or even bother to call. Or the partner that we have been with for some time starts to give us all kinds of mixed signals and then disappears from our life. And then there are those who derive some form of perverse gratification from inflicting pain upon others.

Naturally we want to open our heart, to love and to be loved, but we often do not know who we can trust. We internalize so much of the hurt and disappointment that we go through. We may shut down or become really cynical or jaded as a result. We start to put up walls and then we desensitize ourselves to cope with the hurt and sometimes we just stop trying.

The stress, hurt and confusion that we go through in our search for love accumulates within our body and mind. We need to stop to acknowledge what’s happening. Then notice what we feel in response to it and where the feelings are situated in our body. We then need to breathe softly and deeply as we center our awareness in the middle of these feelings. This process takes time but the hurt will dissipate. You still may not really know what’s going on with the other person, but you will develop the capacity to nurture yourself and stay grounded in the midst of whatever is happening.

Spending time in different countries has really broadened my perspective. I see both the good and bad or the advantages and disadvantages everywhere I go. The thing that is most upsetting to me is seeing the abuses that some of the men in these other countries are enacting towards the women. And then I have also gotten to know many other men in these countries who are very kind, loving, and devoted partners, husbands and fathers. I have a number of close relationships here in America, and yet I have found it so much easier to connect in India, Sri Lanka, Argentina, Japan, China and a number of the other countries that I have spent time in. People in all countries have their problems, but I’ve found a greater level of authenticity in my travels abroad when it comes to relationships. I was amazed to discover that the people I’ve grown close to in these countries engage in whole different ways that feels much more caring. Most of the women that I have gotten to know tend to be very sensitive. I’ve found that they are more caring about other people’s feelings. They are much less likely to play games with your heart. They just don’t talk with you if they are not interested. And they will also show you very clearly if they really are interested.

One of my mentors would often say "Show up …Pay attention." But how can we really be present to what’s happening in our immediate experience when we’re always plugged into an ipod or talking on our cell phones. And many of us have become so addicted to television and other forms of media that we have become less and less familiar with our bodies, our intuition and real world experience. That probably has a lot to do with the fact that many of us are so resistant to our immediate experience.

Powerful forces begin to move within us whenever we fall in love. These forces cause us to open up in ways that would not happen otherwise. A greater intelligence residing deep within us is making an effort to heal. Many of us are intimidated by the risk of opening ourselves up and being vulnerable. We sometimes shut down the process because we have been hurt and we fear that we will get hurt again. But we can only heal these parts of ourselves by being present and that means fully opening up to life and really feeling the feelings.

Many of us have become so fearful. We’re meeting online because we’re too afraid to have a conversation with an interesting stranger. Yes, there are legitimate dangers, and we do have to exercise caution, but what happened to our intuition? Is it really necessary to generalize that sense of danger to everyone that we have not been formally introduced to?

We’re taught to be afraid and then our tendency to suppress our feelings, emotions and issues causes us to lose touch with our intuition. Many of us don’t really know any different because we have never really lived among other cultures. But I’ve spent lots of time in countries that are far more dangerous than America, and yet I found so many of the people to be so much more open and accessible. Being faced with legitimate dangers forces these people to rely upon their intuition to discern what the other person is about and what their intentions are. Their intuition helps them to understand what’s happening in their interactions and it lets them know if they are safe.

Being practical here; we really need to be meeting as many potential partners as possible because it increases our likelihood of meeting someone who truly is a good match. It would be really nice if we were introduced to a steady supply of potential partners on a regular basis, but it doesn’t work that way for anyone I know. But life does present us with so many opportunities …if we just allow ourselves to open up to them. Check in with your intuition next time you encounter an attractive stranger. Notice how their energy feels …and how do you feel in your own body as you open up to their presence. Move on if something inside of you feels really uncomfortable.

Follow through if you do have a good feeling about the person. Make eye contact …smile …say hello …start talking …and continue from there. Life may finally be presenting you with that special opportunity that you have longed so much for. The person sitting next to you on the bus or subway or standing next to you in the checkout line at the supermarket could be the best match you would ever find in your entire life. You will never know …unless you’re at least open yourself to the possibility.

I was sitting next to a woman on the bus one day and I noticed that she was getting really worked up. I’m sitting there a little confused thinking "…What are you doing that for?" Then I began to have similar experiences on numerous other occasions. I asked Li Shifu about what was happening. He then told me that these practices help to generate more yang or masculine chi, and women are often attracted it. Women who work with these practices will generate more yin or feminine chi and that makes them more attractive to men. He went on to say that people who are not very healthy are often repelled by this power.

Another thing that you can do that helps to generate a magnetic presence is to breathe into the feelings of desire or arousal that you experience any time you’re around someone who turns you on. This practice will also open up your sensory awareness and increase your capacity for pleasurable sensations and experiences.

Chi gong and other Chinese martial arts and all the other healing modalities have really helped to ground me. I’ve become so much more present in my body. My sense perceptions have developed over time. I see and feel a lot more of what’s going on within the people as I interact with them. It’s easier for me to sense where people are at in their lives. I feel all kinds of things such as their level of maturity, what kinds of issues they are dealing with and the kinds of personal qualities or attributes that they possess. That’s made me clearer about what I really want in a relationship. I like being with someone that I find attractive, but what I value most is being with someone who is more like a best friend …someone I can really grow with.

I really didn’t know what to do to help myself, but I was really determined to get what I want in life. I kept trying different approaches and till I found what worked. I had an instinctive sense that told me to breathe into the pain. I began to gradually digest the backlog of hurt and conflict.

I still had a tendency resist my feelings and reality when relationships were not working. I talked my relationship dramas to death with friends and acquaintances that I could get to listen to me. And I just struggled and struggled to make things work. But then I learned to go into the deepest feelings behind all of that. I really allowed myself to fully feel what it was like when my feelings of love were not reciprocated. That brought me back to reality.

I’ve been getting as many massages as I can over the years. It’s helps me to process my feelings by getting any stagnant emotions and energies flowing. The enjoyable feelings and sensations that I experience during a deep tissue massage create a pleasurable association with being in my body. That helps me to be more present in my body and that has made me more attractive to others.

There are parts of our consciousness that make it possible for us to bond with others. Trauma, hurt and all the other dysfunction that we internalize can prevent these parts of our consciousness from developing properly. That may prevent us from attracting anyone or cause us to attract people who are unavailable or abusive. It may also cause us to attach to others in very unhealthy or distorted ways. Some of us are holding so many intensely charged emotions and memories on the inside. The same kinds of feelings and memories are evoked whenever we start to get close to another person. We need to digest the backlog of charged emotion associated with these experiences. And many of us will need to totally reformat these parts of our consciousness.

I realized a long time ago that we cannot heal all the hurts and traumas or process all the issues completely on our own. Try if you want, but it’s just not going to happen. I have gone through so many healing sessions and vision quest over the years and that has helped me to neutralize so many of the old traumatic memories and charged emotions. The healing sessions and vision quests have changed my whole underlying framework. I feel much more comfortable with and accepting of myself. The self love and acceptance that I feel has drawn healthier people into my life. Sometimes I encounter people who are not that healthy, but I can easily see the level that they are operating at, so I don’t take it personally anymore and that’s very freeing.

I had gone through a lot of very intensive ceremonial practices experienced various paranormal phenomena during the time I spent training with the last surviving native doctor among the Kiowa tribe. And I felt like I was in culture shock upon my return to mainstream society. Many people had no point of reference for the kinds of experiences I had gone through. Eventually I felt something inside that compelled me to go to Sri Lanka and from there I went on to India. I encountered lots of people who could understand and relate to my experiences and it was so much easier for me to open up and share my thoughts and feelings. Once again I felt a sense of being at home. It took me a long time to realize that people from different cultural backgrounds and parts of the world have a different mind or consciousness. I love to meet and interact with people from all cultural backgrounds. Every culture I encounter seems to reflect a different facet of me. I also realize that we as individuals are much more compatible with some cultures than others. And that’s made me realize the importance of finding our own element.

I made the intention that I wanted to be in a relationship and then became very proactive. I started talking to women that I found myself attracted to at every possible opportunity. I’ve felt very uncomfortable at times. I would then breathe into any feelings of fear, intimidation, awkwardness or the hurt that I felt if someone was rude or rejecting. I survived and I have learned so much. I have also shared many wonderful experiences with people that I would have missed out on.

I love to meet new people that I feel some sort of connection with. I look for any possible opportunity to engage. I sense the other person’s energy to feel if it’s comfortable. I watch and feel how open and responsive the other person is. I just let go if I sense fear, resistance or some other form of negativity. I’ll continue when I feel an openness and that the other person is comfortable and enjoying the interaction. I just keep myself open, sense the energy and feel how things naturally want to develop.

Developing an attractive presence is a process that takes time. Combining all these different approaches is what’s making it possible for me to heal and to attract more love into my life. I spend hours and hours doing intensive chi gong practices to build the dan tien as part of my process of spiritual development. I didn’t realize as I began to work with these practices that it would cause me to become more attractive to others. But I’m happily enjoying this additional benefit. The breathing practice, vision quests and healings sessions have made it possible for me to heal the traumas and clear up other emotional baggage. The process hasn’t always been easy, but I have experienced a definite progression over the years. I’m much calmer and more relaxed. It’s easier for me to allow things to flow and the quality of my relationships has improved tremendously. And this part of my life continues to improve as I work with these healing practices.

You can also attract more love into your life if you’re willing to do the work. I can teach you chi gong practices that will help you to develop your body and mind and to generate a magnetic presence that will draw others to you. I will also teach you additional practices that will enable you to work through the issues and digest the emotions. You will need to work with these practices on a daily basis to see the results. The individual healing sessions will heal the hurts, frustrations and disappointments. Your authentic core self will begin to emerge and that will make it possible for you to attract healthier people into your life and to establish deeper and more meaningful relationships. You will also begin to cultivate inner beauty and develop numerous other resources and capabilities and that will make you more attractive to others.

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